it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
