just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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