nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
