You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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