im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
