my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
