the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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