I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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