Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
