I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
