Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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