Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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