He asked to "fluff my boner.."
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Randomize
