And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
