In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
