I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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