his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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