Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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