why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
