cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's just like the Real World with babies
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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