it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
