census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
