bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
