I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
