I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
