I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
