Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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