Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
