1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
