he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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