I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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