I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
