You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize