Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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