I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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