Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
