I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize