oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
