she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
