I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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