I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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