I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
