I just pynch a tree in the face
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
