I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
