My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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