hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
