He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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