Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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