the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize