nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
