My balls are so social today.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
