I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
