I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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