I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
