i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish you could order shots online.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
