why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This toilet bowl is my home.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
