Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
