this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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