even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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