Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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